EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Before 01/03

======
Did you know ......... ?

If you add together all the numbers on a roulette
wheel (1 to 36), the total is the number 666.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
speak.

Antarctica is the only continent that does not have
land areas below Sea level.

56% of the video game market is adults.

98% of all Americans feel better about themselves
when they flush a toilet.

On average, a 4 year old child
asks 437 questions a day.

A human with his/her mouth glued to a hose, and
nostrils shut, can absorb approximately eight
gallons of water before bursting.
(how they found this out is puzzling)

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because
when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the
sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of
Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made
or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the 
toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel 
in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force when you sneeze,
they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats
could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens,
then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the
Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on 
July16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any
contact with extra terrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. 

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads
for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping,
eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
(submitted by Elliot, 2/02)

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* * *

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 

A penny saved is a government oversight. 

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

He who hesitates is probably right. 

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together,
 it spells "THEIRS"?
======
this section submitted by Elliot, 2/02

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Before 9/99

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Fear knocked at the door.  Faith answered and no one was there.

Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow

A word to the wise is unnecessary. - La Rouchefoucauld

The future isn't what it used to be.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

A single death is a tragedy.  A million deaths is a statistic.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.

The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms.  It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die. - G.K. Chesterton

A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

The Moral Majority is neither.

DEATH to all fanatics.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Today is the tomorrow you were so worried about yesterday!

You are what you eat.

Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.

A language is a dialect with an army.

A classic is a book that is much praised yet rarely read.

A self-addressed envelope would be addressed 'envelope'.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of coloured ribbon. - Napoleon Boneparte

Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Only Users Lose Drugs...

Champagne for my true friends and true pain for my sham friends!

If an infinite number of rednecks in the back of an infinite number of pickup trucks shoot an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce a complete version of Hamlet in braille.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...

I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.

Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

A brave artist avails himself to both the darkness and the light. A brave artist swims in the same water in which the personality of the psychotic drowns.

Constant change is here to stay

If you owe the bank $ 100 and you don't have it, you have a problem. If you owe the bank $ 100,000,000.00 and you don't have it, the bank has a problem.

How to become immortal: Read this signature tomorrow and follow its advice.

'It's bad luck to die on empty stomach.' G'kar, Babylon 5

If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!

Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!

6 out of 5 people don't understand fractions.

A king's castle is his home.

A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope"

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about?

Half the people you know are below average.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

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God in Advertising?
The following was in a recent edition of the Columbia (SC) State Newspaper.  A Fort Lauderdale advertising firm put together an eye-catching campaign designed to inspire weary travelers. The stark white-on-black billboards, designed by the Smith Agency and paid for by a client who wished to remain anonymous, contained messages that God might send our way:

Let's Meet At My House On Sunday Before The Game. - God.

C'mon Over And Bring The Kids. - God.

What Part Of "Thou Shalt Not..."Didn't You Understand? - God.

We Need To Talk. - God.

Keep Using My Name In Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer. - God.

Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage. - God.

That "Love Thy Neignbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God.

I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God.

Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God

Follow Me. - God.

Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God

My Way Is The Highway . - God

Need Directions? - God

You Think It's Hot Here? - God

Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God

Need A Marriage Counselor?  I'm Available. - God

Have You Read My #1 Best Seller?  There Will Be A Test. - God

Steven Wright Classics:

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

- What's another word for -thesaurus?-

- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.  I was an only child... eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!-

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think,  Hey, maybe I wrote that.-

- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, Here, you can go.

- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.

- I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.

- I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.

- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

- You can't have everything... where would you put it?

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've forgotten this before.

- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.  He said, Yes, but not in a row.

- I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything I'd like?  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,  extra medium.-

- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica.  When I told my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

- I installed a skylight in my apartment.  The people who live above me are furious.

- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?  Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said, Didn't you see the stop sign?  I said, Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

- The judge asked,  What do you plead?  I said, Insanity, your honor.  Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone.  When I came back the entire area was missing.

- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.  [Slow glance upward.]

- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.  My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good?  I said,   No, I made a few mistakes.

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information.  She said, Hello, Information.  I said, I can't find my socks.  She said, They're behind the couch.

- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.  It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.

- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

-end (whew)

If you can't write your idea on the back of my calling card,
you don't have a clear idea.
    -David Belasco

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Before 12/98 

       You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
                                    -Barbara De Angelis

    It's alright letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.
                                    -Mick Jagger

    Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.
                                    -Karen Casey

    Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.
                                    -Unknown

    If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
                                    -Mother Teresa

    Sticks and stones only break bones. Words can shatter the soul. We tell      ourselves it takes more than that to send a person over the edge. Maybe so, maybe not.......
                                    -Ina Hughs

    A friend is a gift we give ourselves.
                                    -Robert Louis Stevenson

    ...my friends are my most precious asset.
                                    -Erynn Miller

    "...There's the people you've known forever. Who like...know you...in this way.     That other people can't. Because they've seen you change. They've let you change."
                                    -From My So-Called Life

    All you need is love.
                                    -John Lennon

    Enjoy yourself. These are the good old days you're going to miss in the years     ahead.
                                    -Anonymous

    Relationships---of all kinds---are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most of it will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with repsect and freedom for the other person, it's likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the     relationship slips away and is lost. 
                                    -Kaleel Jamison, The Nibble Theory

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! - Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." - Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

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And, who knows who came up with these...

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent....
anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving; I am reloading.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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