In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream
up new elements for the Periodic Table.
Among the best of the batch:
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding
mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly
polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels
protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element
undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.
Often called Boron.
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons,
leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells
like a rose.
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Einsteinium it ain't.
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states,
in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no
matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it.
The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the
formula for calculating it.
Contains a great deal of brass. Similar to radon in that it can
reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Bonds forever with corduroy.
Kills Superman. That's it. That's all it does.
New Metric Conversion!
10**12 Microphones = 1
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 4 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
1/2 Hollywood actress = 1 demimoore