As taught to all moms by their kids!
[A-F] [G-L] [M-R] [S-Z]
ALIEN: A child-sized creature which cleans up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time snack which children trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1. Dad with a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: A room believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Reason for having kids do things which can't be explained.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something constructive.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN: 1 A type of food. 2. What Hell becomes before Mom let her daughter date an older guy on a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: All of Mom's kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled them instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mom's homemade medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list from last year and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma or Grandpa.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds and even pneumonia.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
WHY?: A phrase used redundantly by children to annoy their parents
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