-A-

ALIEN: A child-sized creature which cleans up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time snack which children trade for cupcakes.

-B-

BABY: 1. Dad with a cold.    2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: A  room believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE:  Reason for having kids do things which can't be explained.

-C-

CARPET:  Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

COOK:   1. Act of preparing food for consumption.   2.  Mom's other name.

-D-

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

-E-

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something constructive.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

-F-

FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"    See   "SARCASM"

FROZEN:  1 A type of food.    2. What Hell becomes before Mom let her daughter date an older guy on a motorcycle.

-G-

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: All of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

-H-

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

-I-

ICE:  Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled them instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough

-J-

JACKPOT:  When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE:  Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

-K-

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking  and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom's homemade medicine.

-L-

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

-M-

MAYBE: No.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

-N-

-O-

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

-P-

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list from last year and several outdated coupons.

-Q-

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

-R-

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

-S-

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma or Grandpa.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

-T-

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has   yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them.  Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

-U-

-V-

-W-

WHY?: A phrase used redundantly by children to annoy their parents

-X

-Y-

-Z-