Punderous Puns!!

These are simply stupundous!!
Send in the puns!!

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September, 1999   

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath.  This made him what?

A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

August, 1999

Thanks! to Amy Dean at Emory University in Atlanta, for bringing this news item to our attention. 

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. 
She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. 
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.  However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. 
By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. 
In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. 
It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. 
Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. 
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. 
Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it. 
Thus, that's how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base. 

July, 1999

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the
puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But They are twins -
if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

And the worst of the bunch: These friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and
ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving - Are you ready for
this?! that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.