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Before
Jan, 2010
I have
kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
My short term memory is definitely not as sharp as it used to be. I've
also noticed my short term memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.
Before
Jan, 2008
I was at
the bookstore and asked the clerk where the self-help section was.
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Before
Jan, 2005
Don't be
offended. Here are some light-hearted
cultural one liners for your
enjoyment.
What's the
Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different Bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." and a
southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men
chased 1
black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
today we call it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
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Before
Jan, 2003
*
* *
"I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they
know me here."
"If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you
a truckload of hand grenades...now...THAT'S a
message!!"
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said...............'Implants?' "
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up really fast."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your
life."
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
"I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving Me lately!"
"How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?"
"Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want
to see naked?"
(submitted by Elliot, 2/02)
* * *
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3/99
Utterly
priceless gems from the recently declared
presidential candidate, Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I
could converse with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow
astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is
somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We
have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water.
If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means
we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this
century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the
world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgments in the Past.
I have made good judgments in the Future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
have a
= firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88=20
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who
caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct
and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you
on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
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2/99
Question: If you
could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the
killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had
major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
Whenever I watch TV
and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but
cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies
and death and stuff.
-Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going
to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
China is a big
country, inhabited by many Chinese.
-Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed
a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
Things are more
like they are now than they ever were before.
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most
of Australia's imports come from overseas.
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn
this team around 360 degrees.
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have
discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the
brain as marijuana....
The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but
can't remember what they are.
-Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
Half this game is
ninety percent mental.
-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
It is wonderful to
be here in the great state of Chicago.
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are
safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If
you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has
kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
After finding no
qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is
extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the
post.
-Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, RI
That lowdown
scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the
one to do it.
-A congressional candidate in Texas
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Pre-2/99
I'd give my right
arm to be ambidextrous. --from John Bradley
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --Buckaroo Banzai
It is much easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. -- Rear
Adm. Grace Hopper
There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never tell everything you know. --from Randy Keck
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get
you. --from Bill Murray
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
--Gary Dulude
I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
--from Lee Arnold
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
"To do is to be." --Plato
"To be is to do." --Kant
"Do be do be do." --Sinatra
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss
on your computer.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!!
I keep telling my wife that I like her Mother-in-Law better than I like
mine!!!
I said to my Mother-in-Law, "Our house is your house." Last
week she sold it.
He's so sentimental. For Mother's Day he sends his laundry home in a
Heart-Shaped box! --Milton Berle
If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: "I used
to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or
fourth day." When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of
thanksgiving to the gods. --Epictetus, c. A.D. 110
You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful
at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing. --Marie Stopes
He who retrains his anger overcomes his greatest enemy. --Latin
proverb
Mother's Day flowers cost a fortune. The flowers are cut, but you're
clipped!!! --Milton Berle
I never met a mother-in-law who was outspoken...
A mother understands what a child does not say. --A Jewish Saying
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a
friend.--Rodney Dangerfield
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found. --Calvin Trillin
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed
it. --Mark Twain
All women become like their mothers -- that is their tragedy; no man
does -- that's his. --Oscar Wilde
To some men, the Mother-in-Law is the bark from the family tree.
Zest is the secret of all beauty. There is not beauty that is attractive
without zest. --Christian Dior
Giving is the secret of a healthy life. Not necessarily money, but
whatever a man has of encouragement and sympathy and understanding.
--John D. Rockefeller Jr.
My Mother-in-Law is very well informed. She can complain on any subject.
--Milton Berle
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