This one will make your head spin....
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
The Romans had to stop holidays.
The lions were eating up the prophets.
What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them.
Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
a hard boiled egg is hard to beat.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A short fortuneteller who has escaped from prison would be a small
medium at large.
Words on the Job
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned. Couldn't concentrate.
I was once a lumberjack, but couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - it was a sew
I tried working in a muffler factory, but it was too exhausting.
I got a job at the workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the
I tried to be a chef - figured it would add some spice to my life, but I
just didn't have the thyme.
I studied a long time to be a doctor, but just didn't have any patience.
I tried to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't
cut the mustard.
I loved being a musician, but eventually found out I wasn't noteworthy.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Psychopath: What crazy people follow to get through the woods.
Won Ton: 2000 pounds of Chinese soup.
Stick: A boomerang that doesn't work.
"Why I Can't Spell"
He made a check on
the check in his checkbook
after he checked on his Chex.
(submitted by FacilitatorGuy, 8/02)
Reasons Why I Can Not Spell
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he could get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object
10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
11. They were too close to the door to close it.
12. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
13. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.
14. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
15. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
16. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
17. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
18. I had to subject the subject to testing.
19. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
and my favorite...
20. Bear with me...after a beer, am I bare, or a bore, or just bad at
submitted by Elliot, (3/02)
In the front
yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a
vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what
you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your
feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you
send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it
takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be
hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
by Elliot, 3/02)